It began with mozzarella

When I was pregnant with Paisley, I craved mozzarella sticks from Denny's all the time. As we drove away from her graduation, we stopped at Denny's again and had a nice round of them with Posy and Ben and I thought, how fitting, to finish off Paisley's childhood in a similar way to how it began, with mozzarella sticks.

The busyness of the last few months has kept me from really focusing on the hugeness of the changes that are afoot. There has been the usual Spring craziness of Lent and Easter, and there has been the rush to finish up college and financial aid applications and a little bit of surliness left to assert who is an adult and who is not. I kept getting a glimpse of what I was going to have to face - that my oldest child is... nah, I can't say it yet - I haven't had time to process any of what was going on.

Last Wednesday was the Baccalaureate mass for her class. They have been together to celebrate mass over the last few years so many times and now this was it for them. They left with a song about praying for each other and it left me wondering what things will be like for each of them when they come back for a reunion ten years from now. That mass was very special and showed me that all that sacrifice for tuition was well worth it. (When asked, Paisley's take on it was that it was cheesy and lame, but I think it meant more to her than she was willing to say.) At one point I got all teary eyed and worried that I might become a quivering puddle of tears, but Jay's mom fixed that by leaning over and whispering that one of the girls looked trashy. That was it, my tears were gone as I stifled a laugh.

Then Thursday was the graduation. It was hot in the church and the speeches were hard to hear, but it was amazing to seem my little girl, a high school student no more. Just that morning she had attended her Freshman Orientation for college. She graciously posed for pictures afterwards and then went off with her friends. I felt so happy for her, but so sad that my little girl was... nah, I still can't say it.

I am grappling with the reality that one of my children is moving on to the next stage of life. Just when I was kind of getting the hang of having teenagers, THIS comes along. I remember being pregnant with her. It seemed like that first pregnancy would last a lifetime, I just couldn't really imagine having a real baby to care for all the time. It was a totally alien experience and I wouldn't know what it was about until I was there. Now here I am at the bridge to adulthood for her, feeling the same way. I can't even imagine what it might be like to have one of my children grown, no longer under my roof. I know I will be her mother forever, and my job as a meddling, annoying, bossy, parent is still in full force, but it seems there has been another umbilical cord to sever. And it hurts.

This time is full of joy and tragedy, pain and excitement all at once. I am sure there will be more to discover as the summer moves on.